Suggested revisions to game text (includes major spoilers)

All about the seventh episode of The Last Door. Reveal secrets, ask for hints, or share any topic relevant to the chapter you may have found elsewhere.

Suggested revisions to game text (includes major spoilers)

Postby avec » Sat Aug 22, 2015 7:57 pm

I thought it might be a good idea to create a thread for suggested revisions to the game text, in case The Game Kitchen wishes to make any post-release changes. My suggestions are below. Please feel free to comment on them and/or provide additional suggestions. Cheers!


Wakefield’s hypnotism in the intro

“Its... terrible.. screech”

In this section, the sentences do not begin with capitalized words (except for words that are always capitalized, like “I”). Therefore, perhaps do not capitalize "Its." Also, perhaps add a third dot to the second ellipse.



Kaufmann’s letter to Wakefield

“…an ancient sanctuary on the island of Éllís Mór”

“Éllís Mór” should be spelled “Éilís Mór” (the second letter should be an “i”)

"The exact location of the Cronemeadan has been lost, but the Professor believed that its secrets may explain why his experiments met with such disastrous results."

Perhaps change "its secrets may" to "it may," as the sentence is quite long and complex.

“I do not need to remind you to exercise the uttermost discretion. I have complete trust in you.”

For stylistic reasons, perhaps change “uttermost” to “utmost”



Wakefield’s narration in the rain

“Weeks passed, maybe months. I did not count the time. But the day came when I realized there was no other option.”

“To honour my friend's memory, I had to keep looking. I had to find Jeremiah Devitt.”

There are extra line breaks after “count the time” and “I had to keep looking.” On my browser, they're a little distracting.



As Wakefield approaches the island

“I can see the island in the distance. Éllís Mór.”

Again, “Éllís Mór” should be spelled “Éilís Mór”



A villager greeting Wakefield

“A visitor! Visitors are most welcome in Éilís Mór.”

Perhaps change “welcome in” to “welcome to”



Conversation with Lord Donnán

“But how can we be so sure that in the dense mist that eminates from the stagnant water, we may not find passages to other worlds?”

“Eminates” should be spelled "emanates"



The mausoleum in the graveyard

"No! Shut up! Knowledge is what I pursue¡, not faith nor assumptions.”

“Pursue” is misspelled, and “shut up” is a fairly modern expression. The expression “Shut up!” appears in an Anthony Trollope novel, so it’s not necessarily anachronistic. But to me, it feels a little out of place. Perhaps change “Shut up!” to “Be silent!”



The chalkboard at the school

Perhaps remove the quotation marks around the “dance around the burrow” poem. Unless the idea is that the teacher has added the quotation marks herself.



If Wakefield tries to retrieve the bottle without using the umbrella

“The bottle is just to far to catch it from here.”

The first “to” in the sentence should be spelled “too”.



When you first find the umbrella

“An old rowboat filled with stale water”

There should be a period at the end of the sentence. Also, I think the sentence might have been truncated.



The child in the hills

“We always has to take someone with us.”

“Has to” was used instead of “have to” in order to convey a sense of the character’s accent and dialect. However, the phrase might stand out in an unfavorable way. Perhaps change “has to” to “have to.”



The other child in the hills

“The kid doesn't seems interested.”

Instead of “the kid doesn’t seems,” perhaps say “the child does not seem.”



The door to Kieran’s playroom

“Kieran's Playroom' is written on the door in hand-painted letters. The door is locked.”

There should be a single quotation mark at the beginning of the text: 'Kieran's Playroom'.



The bed in the basement of the Solitary House

“It looks like some sort of makeshift bed, was kieran sleeping in this terrible lonely place?”

“Kieran” should be capitalized. Also, consider splitting into two sentences, or replacing the comma with a semicolon.



Attempting to tie the ribbon to the lighthouse pipe

"Tie up the ribbon to the pipe has no much sense."

Suggestion: "It does not make much sense to tie the ribbon here."



Lighthouse keeper

“Yes, yes. You already has my permission.”

Again, the word “has” was used instead of “have” to convey a sense of the character’s accent and dialect. However, it seems to be standing out in a bad way, like he’s a pirate or something. It might work better to use the grammatically correct form, “have my permission.” Another, more informal possibility would be, “You already got my permission.”



The toys in Kieran’s playroom

“A painted man-sized wooden doll, It represents a king.”
“A painted man-sized wooden doll, It represents an old lady.”

The word “it” should not be capitalized. Also, it seems out of character for Wakefield to use the expression "old lady."

Suggestions:
“A life-sized wooden doll, painted to resemble a king.”
“A life-sized wooden doll, painted to resemble an aged woman.”



The tunnel leading the Laidcend crypt

"The tunnel descends deep into the earth. Will I find the Laidcend crypt at the bottom, or... something... Dear God, I am reeling. Kaufmann, my friend, your faith in me was misplaced! I cannot… No. I will... persevere.”

Wakefield can leave the crypt and re-enter the tunnel. If he does, he repeats this line. But if he’s already been to the crypt, it makes no sense for him to say this. If possible, maybe Wakefield should be prevented from leaving the crypt. If the player tries to make him leave, Wakefield could say, “No. I will not relent now.”
Last edited by avec on Mon Aug 24, 2015 10:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
avec
 
Posts: 98
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Re: Suggested revisions to game text (includes major spoiler

Postby avec » Mon Aug 24, 2015 6:35 pm

The lighthouse keeper

"Look, folks here are too gullible, they’ll do anything to protect themselves from their strange fears. They’ll not eat corn, nor drink milk, or they'll dig graves for their mirrors. And of course, they’ll avoid standing near a fearnóg too long because, though the fiends cannot touch the tree, they're attracted to the smell of its resin."

"Exactly! What do you think would happen if you unburied them mirrors? That a band of goblins would come out of the marshes to steal them? Nothing but nonsense."

These lines contain important clues, but the lighthouse keeper does not repeat them. If the player was distracted and did not read these lines carefully, they might get stuck. Perhaps allow the player to read the lines more than once.
avec
 
Posts: 98
Joined: Sat Jan 25, 2014 11:14 pm

Re: Suggested revisions to game text (includes major spoiler

Postby avec » Wed Aug 26, 2015 3:42 pm

The cold open

"Alone amongst these dead stones"

It's hard to say the words "amongst these" out loud. Maybe suggest, "Alone amongst the dead stones." (This is super nitpicky, but it was driving me crazy.)
avec
 
Posts: 98
Joined: Sat Jan 25, 2014 11:14 pm


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